1)    I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes…

2)    Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

3)    The easiest way to find something lost is to buy a replacement.

4)    Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

5)    There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

6)    Life is sexually transmitted.

7)    Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

8)    The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

9)    Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but you still can’t help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

10) Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

11) Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days, no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

12) Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

13) All of us could learn from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

14) In the 60’s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

15) How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

16) Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, “I think I’ll squeeze those dangly things here and drink whatever comes out?”

17) Why is there a light in the fridge but not in the freezer?

18) If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

19) If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

20) If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

21) Why do the Alphabet Song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

22) Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

23) Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out of the window?

24) Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

25) Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?